[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen