I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
this has done me in for some reason
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
road rage
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Can’t stop laughing
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.