they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.