I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Proctology is located in A55
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.