WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
thanksgiving in nutshell
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy