This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
You Might Also Like
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster