“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
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Here’s a meme
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.