In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty