sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
you will never know the true number of layers
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.