Am I having a stroke?
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Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that