“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.