I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
This kid is going places
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.