me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.