I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.