Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
found this cool rock hiking today
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning