“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Oceanography is all about current events
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
our love story in four pictures
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
#Caturday
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.