This was the best day of my life
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Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.