Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
You Might Also Like
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷