God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..