If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
You Might Also Like
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake