How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.