Happy birthday to all the women
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Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule