*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast