I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job