Only Americans understand
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Haha good job!!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Don’t touch that.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!