None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Seems a bit forward
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”