Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Banana is the quietest snack
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen