yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.