My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
You Might Also Like
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
fair
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a