[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
are they though??
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.