girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
You Might Also Like
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
When you’re here for the treats.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint