15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I bet birds love this building.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man