my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”