Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
The opposite of goth is stopth.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Go girl power!
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter