I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
A bold strategy
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Potatoes were such a good idea
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*