Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night