I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Hitlers gonna hitl
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.