Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m Sold!