If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
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My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.