A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
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I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I鈥檓 going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don鈥檛 I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Be your mom鈥檚 favorite by not having to make her count to three.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
The game has officially changed 馃槑
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don鈥檛 know. How do you THINK today is going?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE