When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.