8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
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Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
We found love in a hopeless place.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one