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#FireSomeonePolitely
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Animal poetry
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn