Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Cinematography is my passion
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.