80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
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Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.