My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.