ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world