Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them