Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth