Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.